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Feb. 7, 2002, 1:09PM
Earth escapes astroid disaster
By DAVE BARRY
You can skip this column. You don't need to waste your valuable
time reading about how millions of people, possibly including you,
recently were almost killed by a giant space rock and there are more
coming and nobody is doing anything about it.
On Jan. 7, an asteroid 1,000 feet across -- nearly three times the
current diameter of Marlon Brando -- barely missed the Earth.
What if this asteroid had hit the Earth? According to British asteroid
expert Benny Peiser, as quoted in the National Post of Canada,
"Such an object could literally wipe out a medium-sized country." So
if you live in a large country, you have nothing to worry about.
There are plenty more asteroids and asterettes (which are your
female asteroids) whizzing through space, and eventually one will hit
us. Some already have. Astronomers believe that 65 million years
ago, a large asteroid struck Earth and wiped out the dinosaurs.
The American Astronomical Society was holding a conference in
Washington, D.C., at the same time as the asteroid nearly hit the
Earth. I know this because the New York Times covered the heck
out of the conference. Here's the scary part: The Times did not print
one word about the asteroid. Instead, as this thing whizzed past, the
Times printed the following exciting astronomy news:
Jan. 8 -- Astronomers have discovered that certain gamma rays,
which they used to think came from billions of light-years away, in
fact came from only a few hundred million light-years away!
Jan. 9 -- Having studied the far edges of the universe with the
Hubble telescope, astronomers now believe that, roughly 14 billion
years ago, stars formed more quickly than was previously thought!
Jan. 10 -- Astronomers "peering deep into the heart of the Milky
Way" have discovered more than 1,000 sources of "powerful
X-rays," far more than were previously known!
So there you have it: While the Giant Space Rock of Death was
coming this close to turning our planet into a cosmic
Whack-a-Mole game, the astronomy community was squinting at
the edges of the universe.
Humanity must take matters into its own hands. Step 1, of course, is
for everybody to lay in at least a two-week supply of margarita
ingredients. Step 2 is to mount a massive international project,
based on the movie Armageddon, to watch for an incoming asteroid
and then send up a rocket, commanded by Bruce Willis, to blow it up
with a hydrogen bomb. Except, of course, we can't really use Bruce,
because he'd want $20 million, plus a percentage of the asteroid. So
we need someone else -- someone with courage, skill and a proven
ability to perform in the face of grave danger. One name comes
immediately to my mind, as I'm sure it does to yours. Geraldo, your
planet needs you.</HTML>