Exposed - Husbands seeking casual fling
By Jane Ridley
SourceMARK admits he's desperate for sex. "Husbands who reckon they get it twice a week or more are lying," he says.
"You're lucky if it's once in three weeks. Sometimes I'm practically begging for it so I have to go to the bother of buying flowers."
He's been offered extra-curricular sex on a plate apparently and been tempted many times during his 10-year marriage.
On a couple of occasions, the 38-year-old financier has given in, but he's keen to try something new - no strings-attached sex with a stranger.
Mark, a father-of-two, is one of six men I am meeting via Craigslist, the website which is a marketplace for jobs, goods and services - but also extra-marital affairs.
Tens of thousands of Britons log on to the Casual Encounters section and our undercover investigation proves a significant number are willing to act on it.
More than 150 men reply to my free personal ad in which I pose as a 35-year-old "married blonde" seeking a Londoner with a wife or long-term partner.
"I am a first-timer who is looking for a great lover who, like me, is in a relationship but wants NSA (no strings attached) excitement," it reads. "Absolutely no singles - too complex!"
The first email arrives in three minutes. I insisted all the applicants submit a picture. Some send digital photos of their manhood. One includes a formal portrait of himself with his six-year-old son.
"If you like what you see, let's meet for coffee!" he writes cheerily. In common with around a third of the respondents he uses his office email address.
Pete, a businessman "with a company credit card", is concerned I might be a friend of his wife. "If you send me a pic and I know you, then obviously we can't meet," he says. "But your secret will be safe with me."
Meanwhile, an American retailer is staying at London's Barbican Hotel and includes his room number. When I don't respond, he emails again with a sexist rant.
Graeme, who works in the City, insists cautiously on "absolute discretion" because the results would be "catastrophic" if his wife finds out.
Step two is setting aside six hours on a sunny Friday afternoon to meet the men.
Seven email invites are sent out and within four hours I have six dates at various intervals at the same Chelsea cafe. Each sends their mobile number in case they're running late.
However, Barry, a surveyor from Surrey, will only fix a time if I send a picture first.
"Central London is difficult for me," he writes. He clearly wants to know if I am worth the �5 congestion charge. I don't reply - doesn't he know it's a seller's market?
Women using Craigslist can afford to be picky because not many ads are posted by females. Few ring true and most seem to have been placed by online conmen, prostitutes or gay blokes having a laugh.
In the end, I only send my picture to James, 40 - "married and intent on staying that way" he writes - because he is terrified I could be a man in disguise. "I've heard horror stories," he tells me later.
When we meet, he is barely recognisable from his photograph.
"I chose one which is a little obscured in case anybody knew me," he explains. He has two SIM cards so his wife can't trace texts or calls from potential lovers.
My first date is at 12.30pm and calls himself Married Badger. In fact it's Tom, 37, a father-of-four from Essex, who works in the IT department of a big media company.
He is smiley and friendly enough, but lacks confidence. Tom has never done anything like this before.
He has been married for 14 years but is bored. "I don't know what our 15-year-old would think of this," he chortles. "She'd be amazed I had it in me."
Next he talks about his 11-year-old son's love of rugby. "I worry because he's small for his age and it's a rough game," he says. Minutes later, he examines the logistics of having an affair.
"I play a lot of football so it's the perfect excuse to get away," he says. "And I've been thinking of taking a place in London during the week."
MY 1.15pm is early but thankfully Badger has already taken his leave. Mike, 42, is 6ft 4in tall and dressed all in black.
He nervously scuttles over to my table, sweating profusely, wringing his hands and repeatedly smoothing his hair.
"My wife's friends come here," he says, glancing around like a spooked bird. "My next-door neighbour could be anywhere."
He suggests moving elsewhere. "Maybe we should do this another time?" I say. He mutters something about forgetting his sunglasses and scrapes his chair further back into the shade.
Mike, former managing director of a famous high street retail chain, is "between jobs" and pursuing his own interests.
The father-of-five met his partner, whom he calls his wife, 19 years ago.
"I am 110 per cent committed to her and not interested one iota in a second wife," he assures me. "When I heard about Craigslist, I thought 'F*** it, I need a bit of excitement."
The main problem appears to be his partner's devotion to their children and the lack of sex.
"She lives for the kids," he confides. "They are lovely kids, if that's what you're into. But they are a real handful.
"They have loads of music lessons - all sorts of instruments - as well as swimming, gymnastics, ballet, dance, tap and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah."
Next he drones on about unexciting family holidays in the UK.
"She's quite often pregnant," he moans. "There's always been a baby so you can't leave a baby behind."
Next up, at 2pm, is Raj, a 29-year-old doctor. He wrote a lengthy reply to my ad, describing a favourite sex act in excruciating detail.
"I was thinking 'How do you tell a woman you're a good lover without sounding like a t**t?'," he explains. "But I thought, even if she doesn't reply, then at least I've had a good time writing this."
The word "suave" could have been invented for Raj who speaks theatrically and self-importantly, enunciating every word.
His wife is also a doctor, based in the Lake District and he travels there at weekends, staying at a friend's apartment in Luton on week nights.
"I am almost completely flexible about meeting up," he tells me. "My wife is seriously career-minded as well so she is seldom at home anyway.
"We are like ships who pass in the night."
THEY have known each other since medical school 10 years back and the spark has gone.
"It's certainly not the young love passion of old," he says.
"It's like a comfortable armchair which you really care about and it's really sweet.
"You're not budging from that armchair, but sometimes you have to go off and get a motorcycle. I guess I'm an adrenalin junkie." Raj has been contemplating this for a while. He doesn't want to get involved with a single woman or a colleague because there would be too much expectation or baggage.
"That might involve someone expecting me to walk away from what I've got and that isn't what I intend to do," he shrugs.
Next we discuss practical arrangements. "I do have the flat but it is more trouble than it's worth," he says. "My friend has offered it to me for this very use, but it gets difficult if you involve a third party.
"A hotel is probably the best avenue. You take the room for a couple of hours and then you share a bottle of wine or something."
Raj's time is up and, at 3pm, Steve appears. He is the brashest yet and gleefully waves his wedding ring at me, assuring me he is married. The 41-year-old salesman said his vows five months ago after 12 years with his partner.
"I would have quite gladly plodded on but, from a female perspective, I think security is an issue," says Steve. "She has old-fashioned virtues and principles. It's very endearing and a bit outdated, bless her.
"We have a very good home life and I think the world of her because she looks after me.
"She keeps me pinned back because I'm a typical bloke, still reliving his childhood years in many respects."
He wants an extra-marital fling because things have got "a little bit samey".
"I get in at night around 7pm," he says. "Once we've cooked, had a snog, the eyes start to droop and you want to just go to bed ready for tomorrow."
James appears at 4pm. Aged 42, he looks like a thicker-set Jools Holland.
He is a freelance researcher who has been married for four years.
"When you have been with someone for that amount of time, the early days of sexual excitement have gone," he says. "You start to wonder 'Am I ever going to have that again'?
"I don't really want to hurt my wife, but, as selfish as it sounds, I feel I am hurting myself by not doing what I want to do."
He also feels he has surrendered some of his own identity by "sharing" everything with his wife.
"Most of my single male friends have been edged out of the equation," he says. "Those in couples or the ones who are my wife's female friends are in.
CRAIGSLIST is about me regaining something which is mine and not hers as well. I do want to stay with her, but I do need more."
Ideally James would like to take a lover over a six-week period, meeting late afternoons.
"Are you interested in a one-off or something you can dip in and out of when you please?" he asks politely, before mentioning the need for health certificates.
My final date at 5.30pm is with Mark, who works in the finance department of a City institution.
Super-confident, he likes dirty jokes. During our 40-minute chat he assures me he has a 12-inch tongue and can breathe through his ears. I laugh weakly.
He has met a couple of women through Craigslist but nothing came of the meetings. One woman - "a model" - was much younger than him and had just broken off her engagement.
"I think she just wanted sex to make herself feel better," he says.
We talk about how much he adores his two children and how his little boy is starting a trampolining course. Then he boasts how he was faithful to his wife of 10 years for much longer than his married mates.
"They used to talk about what they were up to and I'd think 'My wife doesn't know how lucky she is'!" he recalls. Mark has had a few dalliances since and his wife has been none the wiser.
"She is very naive," he says. "I remember going to a dinner party where all the blokes were shagging each other's missuses and there was a lot of innuendo. But it all went over her head."
It's 6.15pm - time for Mark to leave and disappear into the crowd.
"How about dinner next week?" he texts me later.
I don't think so. Perhaps he should treat his wife to some flowers instead.
Names and some details have been changed to protect the guilty.